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Unhealthy foods to have swearing on the packaging
Unhealthy foods that appeal to children should have a minimum level of swearing on the packaging to discourage parents from buying them for their children, according to Shadow Health Secretary Andy...
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USA vote to give up guns in return for spider powers
Alex Jones, creator of the ‘Deport Piers Morgan’ petition, has told Piers Morgan that he and his supporters would only give up their gun ownership in return for special spider powers. “I don’t care...
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David Cameron “Simpler flat rate pension to keep old people out of restaurants”
The new flat rate state pension has been formulated with the sole objective of keeping old people out of restaurants, according to leaked e-mails between Prime Minister David Cameron and Secretary of...
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Theresa May “Police must top up their wages with bribes”
Police officers will be expected to top up their wages with bribes for ‘drawing a blind eye’, according to Home Secretary Theresa May, as the Government announce plans to reduce the starting salary of...
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Government announce minimum price for cocaine
David Cameron has announced a minimum price on a bag of cocaine as part of tough new measures designed to keep class A drug use for birthdays, bank holidays and other special occasions. Speaking at a...
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Abu Qatada to enjoy the same rights as ZZ Top
In yet another setback to the Government’s attempts to extradite beard sporting extremist Abu Qatada, the Court of Appeal has today refused the Government permission to take its fight to the supreme...
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Birmingham to get new accent
Residents of Birmingham and the surrounding provinces have been awarded a Government grant for a new accent as part of a new initiative announced today by Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne....
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Prince Charles urges unproven cures for serious diseases
His Royal Highness Prince Charles has today urged the public to ignore scientifically proven cures for illnesses and instead rely on sugar pills soaked with water, that may have been in the same jug...
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“Just Bunk the train” says Transport Secretary
The Government has today responded to public dissatisfaction with rail increases with a clear message. “Don’t worry about tickets, you can just bunk the train.” Speaking at this morning’s press...
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Privatised Royal Mail to abandon letters and focus on brand
A new privatised Royal Mail will be ditching the traditional concept of a business that delivers letters and parcels to instead focus on the Royal Mail brand. Hordes of marketing executives are set to...
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Post boxes to stop wearing Burkas
Post boxes are going to have to stop wearing Burkas and start dressing like everybody else according to leaked minutes of a recent Government meeting. One Government insider told us “They don’t make...
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Government accused of favouritism towards hard working people
The Government have today been accused today of pandering to the wishes of hard working people. Speaking at a press conference this morning shouty number cruncher Eddie Balls warned that hard working...
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Government moves to ban spanking the monkey
A Government think tank has today called for talks regarding individualised styles of mild violence against particular animals. Speaking at a packed press conference the Prime Minister explained “We’re...
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Public celebrate New Years Honours list as everybody made a Lord
Britain has been described as being in a perpetual state of celebration today as the New Years Honours list has made everybody a Lord. Prime Minister David Cameron heralded the scheme as a victory for...
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Government to have more birds promises Cameron
The Government is set to have more women to brighten the place up a bit, according to Prime Minister David Cameron. Speaking on the Marr show the premier explained “We’ve been under fire for not...
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Theresa May “Police must top up their wages with bribes”
Police officers will be expected to top up their wages with bribes for ‘drawing a blind eye’, according to Home Secretary Theresa May, as the Government announce plans to reduce the starting salary of...
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Government to launch inquiry inquiry
The Government have announced plans to launch an inquiry into all Government inquiries in an effort to ascertain why all recent inquiries, especially ones regarding possible criminality of...
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Conservative voters confident they won’t ever get ill
Conservative voters are looking forward to the next 5 years of a Conservative Government, confident that they themselves will never get ill and as a result won’t be affected by the inevitable demise...
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Government to bring back National Service
Grass roots conservative campaigners have hailed the Government’s announcement to bring back National service as a victory for common sense, one that will finally herald a welcome return to how things...
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